Page Six continues its crusade against love, publishing a second report about the end of Beyoncé and Jay Z’s marriage. The overall argument of the piece — supported almost entirely by a mystery “source” who is great at sound bites, bad at Karma — is that Beyoncé and Jay Z were never married out of love; it was always a business merger. Here are eight other upsetting claims that popped up throughout the story, this one longer and even more bananas than the last:
1. Jay Z was supposedly infatuated with Beyoncé when they first met, but mainly because he knew that if they got together, they could one day be the world’s most powerful couple. Well, he wouldn’t have been wrong about that, would he?
2. For her part, Beyoncé was sorta meh about Jay Z at first. She wasn’t even attracted to him, says her uncle Larry Beyince — yes, that’s Beyoncé with an “i”— in an interview with Celebuzz. Page Six’s source says Beyoncé did eventually develop feelings for Jay; also, she knew he was a “king maker” from the get-go.
3. They don’t want to help anyone else get famous. “They don’t subscribe to that ‘teach-a-person-to-fish’ thing,” says Page Six’s source. “They’ll give you a fish once in a while, but they let everyone know that they’re the only sharks in the water.” Repeat: great at sound bites, bad at Karma.
4. Beyoncé withholds love from everyone but Solange and Kelly Rowland. Really, Michelle Williams cannot catch a break.
5. You will never, ever memorize Beyoncé and Jay Z’s phone numbers, and not just because they would never give them to peasants like you and me, but because they change their numbers every two weeks.
6. They skipped Kimye’s wedding because they didn’t want to slum it. Beyoncé didn’t want Kim to “socially climb her,” and Jay Z thought Kanye’s marriage to Kim was “bad for business.”
7. The elevator fight was over Rihanna, according to Page Six’s source. (Other sources have claimed it was over Jay Z’s alleged affair with Rachel Roy.)
8. Page Six’s “calls to representatives for the couple … were not returned.” Huh. You think?
Meantime, Beyoncé took to her personal PR machine, Instagram, to post a photo of herself on a surfboard.